Letter to Ford shareholders from the CEO

Dear Investors,

Stop all that damn crying. Ok, we had $12.whatever billion in losses for '06. So we lost some money this year. I pissed away more than that at O'Flannagan's last month for my brother-in-law's bachelor party. Suck it up assholes, you're in it for the long haul whether you like it or not. I didn't take over this company in September to hear a bunch of nancyboys call for a merger with the Japanese! Go tell gramps you just said that and come back when he's finished beating the shit out of you.

What? You still want us to make hybrids? Use ethanol? Hydrogen fuel cells? Come here for a second. Closer. A bit closer. That's good. Now lean over a little and give me your ear... GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Our motto is "Ford Tough," not "We're Ford, Let's Hug It Out."

If you want to go and make some kind of rice-burner go back to Seattle, finish off your poquito mochafrappachilattechino, eat some celery, hop on a plane to Hippie Land, and go pack some fudge with your tie-dyed, long-haired pals.

But I'm going to keep your money and use it for what you gutless wonders are too scared to do: make some good old black-smoke-spewing, tow-the-Titanic-out-of-that-pond automobiles. That's right, I am taking this time to announce our newest model: The F-9,000, quadruple exhaust, V-19, pickup. And an FYI to all you alternative-fuel fear mongers out there: it runs on baby seal pelts, puppy tails, kitten whiskers, and newborns.

You probably didn't notice it early this month at the Detroit Auto Show. That's because it was the auto show. All those Tonka Trucks and Hot Wheels you saw on TV? All that took place in the bed of the F-9,000, in a sound studio in Siberia, the only part of the world with enough balls to play host to this beast. I got sick of listening to all those carpet-munchers at General Motors and Daimler-I couldn't-hack-it-with-the-big-boys-so-I-teamed-with-Krauts-Chrysler, so I moved Ford to the only place on earth where the women have the same sized nuts as the men. That amounts to double the workforce.

No, keep it to yourself William Clay Ford. I don't need your pats on the back or endorsements, Matt Millen can have those. Just keep throwing me some of that sweet funding.

This truck is going to change what people think of the phrase "environment friendly," so club a few seals, take some Dramamine, and saddle up. I feel like going for a drive.