Whhooooeeeeeeeeeee

Hot damn Hoagie! Ya see that sucker blow!? I can't wait to tap into that $400 million severance! Wait till ya'll see how much shit I blow up then! Hell I might fly up to Alasker and blast that dang ol' Valdez out of ever'ns memory!

What Hoag? Now? Well go tell that r'porter to... he's already recordin'? Well Hell, why didn't ya say so!

Hey there 'merica! Me and m'buddy Hoagie were just takin' some target practice in the back forty. So let me get this rifle outa her' real quick and get a fresh bottle of Jack before we start that tour.

Oh those big barrels of oil on fire over there? Don't worry 'bout those. They was just the 100-gallon puppies we was shootin' at t'day.

Now, jump up into m'truck and we'll get a'goin. Ya say ya never seen a pickup looks like that before? Heheee. Damn straight! It's the Ford F-8,00o, they only made five of 'em and I already blew the hell out of the other four! Millage? Eh, 'bout 10. What's that? On good God no, not per gallon... that's 10 miles a tank. I'll drive this puppy inta the ground though, since those turds in Dearborn rolled out that 9,000. Alternative fuels my ass... gimme some crude! Aright, enough yappin'. Saddle up!

See over yonder? That's m'house? Nah, that's the shed. Nah, that one's for m'dog Zeek. Bingo's that's it, the one with the smokestack peaking over that there little Mountain.

Now to the left we got m'garage. In there I gots 35 gold-plated Harleys, one for each day of the month! Huh? Nope, not in Texas; George W. lengthened ours back in '96. This month we only got 32 days though, so I guess Sally, Betty, and Frida get an extended breather.

Comin' up ahead here we have m'pettin' zoo. It's got Buffalo, Tigers, a Woolly Mammoth, T-Rex, a... How'd I what? Why, I just hired that scientist from Jurassic Park to brew me up a few species that pussied out and went extinct. The Mammoth wasn't a biggie, but that T-Rex cost a good chunk to muster up. Ya know though, the real kicker is the upkeep. That sombitch Rexy rips up six heffers a day!

Speakin' of Rex, m'good buddy and replacement Rex Tillerman is doin' a bang-up job at the helm, ain't he! $40 billion this year! Hot damn, a new record! Suck on that King Abdullah!

Hey reporter... kin ya keep a secret? I got half of it! Yep that's right, I'm not as retired as ya'll think! And you m'boy... well I can call ya pal now, right!? You will git the first invite to the shindig I throw when that check clears!

How 'bout then we bring out m'Howitzer and see if we can't set off those 500 gallon suckers I'm saving for a special occasion! Yeeeeehaaawwwww!